Is anything strange happening here?

I just got a message that someone got a virus trying to visit here. Can you let me know if you have any problems?

Have no idea what is going on and how to fix it! All looks fine to me.

Frustration

Sometimes life feels like one step forward, three steps back right now.

I’m trying to move on, to get on with my life but I keep getting tripped up. The goal-setting person (buried deep) within me feels particularly useless right now.

I thought things would be better, that they would have changed. I have to wait another five weeks for my review meeting and even then I might not win. I had a killer headache for a couple of days, ok it was probably a migraine and I just didn’t want to admit it, and I had to spend yesterday in bed sleeping. How can I work with that sort of thing still happening?

Who’s going to give me a decent job anyway?

What is going on with my life? I’ve dreamed so much, prayed so much. I don’t get this at all. I know it is meant to be preparation for the future. But, quite frankly, right now I wonder what my future is at all. Of course, it is important to live for today, but sometimes today isn’t all that enjoyable or easy for me right now.

Sigh.

I’m praying and asking God a lot right now.

More food for thought.

What do you think?

Priorities

After a very challenging message online yesterday at church about human trafficking I am feeling particularly uncomfortable. And I’m trying to embrace this feeling as I know it will lead to change within me and hopefully make me more effective in the long term.

But, first I should backtrack a little.

This weekend, in our national newspaper there was an article in the magazine section about marketing Christianity and the main focus of the story was my old church that I was in leadership in. For the most, it was a positive article and I think they got that it’s about building real community as well as slick presentations, modern graphic design and all the cool stuff they do. My old church built community particularly well  for a big city church as it was bred into us to not be cliquey and to welcome people. I still miss that aspect of that church since I left. I will post the article later if it is online at all (or I can email scans if you’re really interested) as it is a wonderful reflection of what is happening with modern churches in NZ.

But… then I stayed home to watch church online from Florida yesterday (which I still do, even though I’m well enough to go to church most of the time here) and I have to admit that I spent almost the entire sermon sobbing.

Not just crying, sobbing with snot and everything.

Sobbing, to the point that I needed to get up and find some toilet paper to wipe my face (I’m classy like that and out of tissues).

The tragedy of human trafficking has been on my radar for a little while now, but to hear more about what it means i f you are sold as a sex slave is repulsive. How can we allow this to happen in our world? Florida has the second highest amount of trafficked people in the US, I would imagine California is the highest. But, paradoxically I know for a fact there also thousands upon thousands of Christians in both States.

How can we go about our daily lives and yet allow this to happen in our neighbourhoods, our world?

Anyone notice a contrast in what I have written so far?

Churches are pursuing slick marketing campaigns, looking cool and making church feel like a rock concert all over the world. This is great, it brings people in who might not ever have been to church before – which in my country is at least 40% of the population who profess to have no religious affiliation and have probably never even been to church in their lives.

But…. and this is a big but…

What do we do with this salvation?

We are not saved to make good friends, hang out and “do life together” (whatever that means, it’s one of my least favourite terms in the church).

We don’t have church just to get respect from the outside world, look cool and make a lot of noise.

Church has to be about more than that.

We can’t limit ourselves to just making a difference  in our own neighbourhoods in the developed world. While that is noble and right, I think we need the reminder that everyone in my country, and probably yours too, is amongst the luckiest people in the world.  Even though there is hardship, our Government provides for all of our basic needs. Our blessings are abundant.

Is it right that we spend more on our marketing and graphics budget in church than we do on foreign aid? Or more on dressing ourselves nicely and getting a great hairdo than feeding the hungry, just so you don’t think I’m only criticising churches and not looking at myself as well. Should our eating out budget be more than what we send overseas where some people have barely enough food to keep themselves alive.

How long can we remain ignorant? And once enlightened, how long can we turn a blind eye to the threats in the majority of the world?

Caring comes with a cost and I wonder how many of us are willing to pay that price. I’m wondering how much I am willing to actually, if I’m honest with myself.

But listening to the message yesterday I also knew with certainty that I want my life to count for something. I want to know that I am doing all I can to do what God has entrusted me with.

These are scary thoughts and perhaps I don’t know what I’m really praying right now. But I want to know that I haven’t turned my head and ignored the suffering of so many.

Now I want to cry again, so I will leave you with a clip to get you thinking too.  I have a lot of questions in my head, as you can probably tell by the number of question marks I used in this blog. But mostly I wonder about our priorities and whether they are right. Does God care less about our amazing promotional material and more about the hurting in the world. Hmm.

Why I don’t listen to my voicemails

There is nothing worse…

… than no plans on a long weekend. I thought I wouldn’t care as my life is quite frankly one big long weekend. But I do.

I don’t have any money to go and do anything really fun and everyone else seems to be busy this weekend.

Looks like I’ll have to bury myself in episodes of Glee Loving watching series one. I wish we had a music teacher like that when I was in High School. And that I could sing.

Oh and I can fit back into my size 12 board shorts. Any who has worn board shorts will know they are famously unforgiving and have absolutely no give in them, so I was really surprised they got past my knees today when I tried them. I don’t think they’re that flattering, but I wore them all day just because I was so pleased.

This was me today out walking with my dad and the dog in the Botanical Gardens.

That’s my dad and the dog taking a well earned drink!

There were a bunch of sculptures out in the gardens as well, but we seemed to spend time looking at the plants instead so I didn’t get any photos of the exhibit.

Roll on a boring weekend…

20 Questions

1. What’s the last sporting event you watched?
Um…. um……. I just watched ‘The Blindside’ – does that count as sport as there was a lot of football in it? As I don’t have satellite tv anymore there isn’t much sport on the free channels.

2. The world could do without:
Mosquitoes, traffic jams, selfish people.

3. What is the farthest you have ever been from home?
London I would say, lived there for a year and I think that is geographically the furtherest from NZ.

4. What is your favorite kind of cereal?
Hmm, I mainly eat porridge now, but I do like Bircher Muesli (you know the stuff you soak overnight) and other healthy, oat based cereals. Since I cut out gluten the choice is pretty slim though.

5. Four sports teams you like:
Um…. chirp, chirp…… Cricket is the only sport I really tolerate and even then I don’t follow much (the whole pay tv issue). Sorry I’m not an All Blacks fan at all.
6. What is it time for right now?
Going to do my weights workout at the gym I think, but I might procrastinate a bit longer.

7. You wake up and discover that it’s a rainy, dreary day out. Does this affect your attitude at all or do you tend to stay happy no matter what the weather is doing?
I actually enjoy rainy days at the moment as they are usually cooler and its a good excuse to do inside activities without feeling guilty about missing the nice weather.

8. What is the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon?
Napping, it is usually what I do!

9. What is your favorite appetizer?
Gosh anything really…. I like to try new things.

10. Why did you pick the outfit you have on?
Ha ha, I’m in a black nightie with little pink polka dots – I don’t want to tell you what time it is. I’m not dressed yet!

11. How sensitive are you to cool temperatures?
I don’t really like the cold much, but I think that is because I live in a country with no central heating in our houses. I hate being cold inside! Outside, it’s all about the sort of clothing you’re wearing.

12. What’s your favorite blanket like?
It’s a chocolate brown faux fur throw. Great for naps in winter. Not so great in the heat right now.

13. Did you go to public school?
Yes,  crappy small country school and then a girls high school. In NZ private schools are pretty elite though, I’m not sure I would want my children being part of that scene actually. A good public school would be my preference.

14. Are you scared of bees?
A little bit, have had a few nasty stings.

15. How many lurkers do you think you have that read your blog, but never comment? Have you ever been successful at getting them to say hello? Do you mind the lurking? Are you a lurker? Or do you try and comment every time you visit?
I’m always curious about the days I get a lot of hits on my blog and not so many comments… be nice if people said hi and that they didn’t just think I was a massive idiot!

16. Desktop or laptop?
Laptop only. Can’t imagine a desktop at home, though the are much better for you to spend long amounts of time on.
17. What is your favorite kind of cheese?
Cheese is almost a distant memory for me. Roqufort (sp?) cheese from France though is absolutely delicious from memory. The best meal I had with it was on Valentines Day in London when my French friend cooked us crepes with that cheese and ham. They were soooooooo good. And I was soooooo sick for days.
18. What is the oldest thing you own?
Hmm, I have a blanket that my grandfather gave me, that was his mother’s. It probably is pretty old I would say.

19. How did your car get that little scratch/dent? (Because let’s face it, we ALL have car stories, right?)There are a few scratches on my car, mostly from carelessly driving into my garage I think. I blame the brain injury and am glad I own a bomb.

20. Which would you rather do: the dusting or the vacuuming?
Vacuum – dusting is a rare occurence for me I fear.

Random Thoughts

• There is a chance that I might have twin genes on both sides of my family – my cousin’s midwife thinks she is having twins as she is waaayyyy bigger than she should be for how pregnant she thinks she is. Can’t wait for the scan to find out!
• Why do women with children assume just because you are childless you can’t handle dirty nappies (diapers)? I grew up babysitting constantly and have a sister nine years younger than me. I can actually fold cloth nappies for newborns still I think, so disposables are easy(ish). Oh and my really good comeback – baby nappies are easier than adult ones – yes I did homecare when I was a student and changing old people’s nappies is so much grosser and harder.
• I saw the move “It’s Complicated” yesterday and it is a lovely, very funny story. I love Alec Baldwin – he’s such a charmer! It made me think though, that maybe when we’re married that we need to understand seasons a bit better. That we’ll get through the wilderness years of trying to raise our family and establishing our careers and the benefit will be a lovely relaxed relationship in our fifties and sixties. You know, the big picture. Hmm.
• I’m getting my creative mojo back and thinking about crafting projects again. It’s a fun hobby!
• Mum gave me a sewing machine (courtesy of her job at the dump) and I think that may be a goal for the year – to learn how to sew a bit better. It’s been years (school days) since I used a sewing machine but I know it’s a useful skill to have.
• There is a slight possibility of a role coming up at my old work. My old colleague who shared an office with me is going to propose that he and I job share. I’m not really sure how I feel about it. The trouble with going back to an old workplace is that you know all the downfalls already. But then, I guess that is an advantage too. I’m not sure if my old manager will want me back, the trouble with brain injuries is that people don’t really understand them and that can cause problems. All in God’s hands.
• I’m not enjoying that medication I was put on at all, have given it six weeks but my stomach is still not great and I’m a lot more tired than I was before. I don’t get the fatigue the same, but I think it’s because I’m sleeping a lot more anyway. Will be trying to get hold of my neurologist soon, hoping she’s back from holiday.
• My weight loss is back on track finally after Christmas. I didn’t put on much and I did a lot of running while I was away at the beach so it wasn’t too horrific, but I was definitely eating bigger portions and more sugar than I do normally. I’m LOVING the routine I’m in right now and praying I find enough money to join the gym I’m going to as it really works. It’s not the cheapest around, but since I can bike there I save a lot on petrol. And because it’s so close I never have traffic as an excuse not to go.
• Thats all I can think of for this week….. I’m sure there is a lot more randomness bubbling around in my head but I’ll save that for another day.

Melancholic

There have been delays in my fight for compensation, so instead of knowing tomorrow what my fate will be I now have to wait until March.

Grrrr.

Part of me just wants to move on with my life. Part of me really wants to be earning close to what I used to earn and could do with the help to get back there.

I’m praying and waiting right now.

The only advantage I can see right now is that if things were easy I would not be able to identify so well in the future with those brain injured people who face massive fights with their insurance companies. I know this is a common problem in the US and it seems we’re heading along that path too.

I’m also grateful for the support I do have, some lovely people are assisting me for free which is very nice of them.

Another beach trip….

I was lucky enough to have a few days away at our beach house this weekend and just got back today with slightly browner skin and more toned legs too I think.

How did I tone my legs? Well I climbed the mountain again, shaving more time off from last time (woo hoo). It’s a hell walk up to the top as you are climbing most of the way – got up in 35 minutes this time and I had stopped to send a couple of text messages on the way.

Me at the top – with the town of Pauanui and the waterways in the background.

And another shot with the beach in the background. It’s so worth it for the view, even you I always wonder what the hell I’m doing when I’m about half way up

Dad drove me nuts with constant criticism of everything I did, but he did do some good bbq cooking!