Still here

I don’t really have internet access at the moment so sorry I’m neglecting my blog a little.

I am struggling a wee bit so prayer would be appreciated by anyone who has time and cares…. I don’t think I’m actually feeling all that much better after almost a month off, I’m just not totally over-tired anymore. My work meeting was delayed until next week, but I think I have good people to help me through that so it’s ok. I’m just not feeling very happy and it doesn’t feel like there is anything good in my life to look forward to at the moment.

Stuff

I’m slowly recovering from the shock of losing my car, I’m not sure if I’m through the stages of grief yet, I may be still stuck in denial a little. But now it’s been five days since it was stolen I think I really don’t want to know what state it could be in and am just looking forward to a nice insurance payout. Fingers crossed.

I bought a bike (will take a photo and post later to show it off) it’s pretty purple and has a nice women’s seat which is shaped great and has a sort of hole in the middle. Let me tell you it’s amazingly more comfortable than normal seats – someone was thinking when they designed it! I’m getting a little bit brave and doing a few small rides and I went down to the supermarket which was about ten minutes ride away yesterday to get some groceries. I’m absolutely pretrified of being knocked off though!

Also…. have been thinking and praying that if I’ve lost my job and have no car (and might be getting a nice amount of money) then what is stopping me from coming out to Florida sooner rather than later for a month. My psychologist agreed that it is not a bad idea so I just got to convince all other parties involved in my treatment that it can work. The meeting with about my job is going to happen next week so I’ll know for sure then what I can do. I really don’t think I’m going to be up to full time work for quite some time so a month sitting by the pool in Florida sounds pretty good to me! J is worried that I won’t cope though and might have a breakdown or something and he won’t have any support, so I’m getting my psychologist to talk to him about things. I’m sure I’ll be able to call people over the phone at the very least if I have any issues while I’m out there, but I think I’ll be fine too if I prepare myself properly.

I’ll keep you posted! But I think I should get out of bed now and start enjoying my day!

Have you ever….

I stole this from Zandria’s blog and it had some quite interesting questions…. I sort of think I come across as a lot more wild that I really am from those answers… or lame… ha!

Have you ever…

1. gone on a blind date?
No, never have! Seems a bit of a shame that I haven’t.

2. skipped school?
Only in my final year (7^th form) I went to a girl’s school right near the city and sometimes the shops called!

3. watched someone die?
No, I’ve only ever seen one dead body actually (we definitely don’t do open casket funerals here) and it was the prematurely born baby of some good friends of mine. She was so tiny, it was a hard image to get out of my head for a long time.

4. been on the opposite side of your country?
Well, I live on a long, skinny island so I could go out and do this today in an hour or two!

5. swam in the ocean?
See above comment about living on an island! Of course!

6. had your booze taken away by the cops?
Ha, it hasn’t but that was because we were too cunning (oh the memories come flooding back) it was my Sixth Form Ball (like a Prom) and we were at the ‘After Ball’ and we all decided that driving to the nearest fast food joint would be a good idea (we lived in the country so it was a 20 min drive and this place had only opened recently so it was still a novelty) so we pulled onto the main highway and promptly got a flat tyre. The cops pulled up (Ball night was busy for them) and to avoid having our lovely mix of Rum and Coke in a 2 litre bottle taken we threw it down the bank. We then had to pull away once the tyre was fixed and pretend to drive off. Only to do a loop and send a couple of people back down the bank to find the bottle! Pretty lame really, but we were legends around the school once the story grew!

7. lettered in high school sport?
Not really sure what that means but I played in the girls hockey team for about four years I think. I was more of a muso though…

8. played cops and robbers?
Yep, I think so. Though probably the games had a Dukes of Hazard theme to them. I vividly remember trying to climb through windows rather than use the door. Goodness knows how we got up that high to do it.

9. sung karaoke?
I am ashamed to admit yes. In recent years I have gotten into Singstar (only around people who can’t sing though). Every dog in the neighbourhood probably hates me for it.

10. paid for a meal with coins only?
I know I’ve done this. Though we do have $1 and $2 coins here so that’s probably not such a big deal. .

11. made prank phone calls?
Yes, silly teenage girl stuff. My friend Laura and I used to go through the phonebook and laugh at people’s names too when we were about fourteen. Again, we lived in the country and there wasn’t much to do.

12. laughed until some sort of beverage came out of your nose?
Numerous times. Think the last time I did it was at a very trendy Vietnamese restaurant in Sydney in January with my friend’s John and Rosie. John is very, very funny and he said one little thing that triggered me off… I ended up completely spraying him and the table with my drink and I know a little bit of it came out my nose. I’m all class. Luckily he thought it was pretty funny.

13. written a letter to Santa Claus?
Yes, though I have suspicions it was never posted…. Hmm..

14. watched the sunrise with someone you care about?
I really don’t think so… sunset yes. Sunrises seem to be a personal experience for me so far.

15. been kissed under the mistletoe?
We don’t have mistletoe here in NZ (is it a winter plant anyway – it wouldn’t be out at Christmas). Sigh, I’m so deprived.

16. ever been arrested?
Nope. My brother has, for sitting in a front yard, doing “absolutely nothing” on New Years Eve at a popular beach spot. Yeah, sure you were doing nothing. Luckily he didn’t get charged, but I never believed his story.

17. gone ice skating?
Yes a few times as a teenager, should go again but I’m scared my 31 year old bones won’t bounce like they used to.

18. been skinny dipping outdoors?
Hmm….. yeah I have! On a very deserted beach in the Coromandel that you had to walk about 45 mins to get to.

19. been on TV?
Yep, our Church was featured once on Easter Sunday as the young, vibrant, funky example of a church service and you could see me in the background organizing stuff for the service (yes in NZ it’s news that people go to church at Easter! Well a few people do).

I don’t believe it!

Want to know how to save money on petrol?

Have your car stolen…..

Yep, it appears my (cursed) car was stolen from the mall carpark while I was getting a mani/pedi this afternoon. That’ll learn me.

I took ages to tell anyone and walked the carpark getting more confused and stressed as I do forget where I park my car sometimes these days. I called the Police thinking they’d come out and drive me home, no such luck. I guess cars being stolen are a common occurence. I don’t quite get what’s happening in my life at the moment but I suppose God knows what he’s doing!

I’m going to Kylie!

 I managed to get tickets today for her concert in December and I am looking forward to it! Have been a fan on and off since I was eleven and I know she puts on a great show. Yay!

Back to reality, well sort of

I drove back from the beach this morning as it was absolutely pouring down and I woke early and once I cleaned the house to my mum’s extremely high standards there wasn’t much point sticking around. I totally struck it lucky with the weather though, it’s been amazing and sunny up til today. I actually got sunburnt sitting in the sun last week reading… yes I am so white I’m also translucent, but it was a new low for me to get burnt in the first week in September!

As I left for the beach on Thursday last week I was smart enough to check the letter box before I left and there was a lovely gift sitting there from Kara (http://www.downundermusings.blogspot.com/)- a chick-lit book that I devoured in about a day and was totally perfect timing (thanks Kara, I wish I could figure how to link on WordPress, it doesn’t seem to work for me). I survived the trip pretty well, got more fuzzy brained that I thought I would – luckily I stopped in Thames and went to my now favourite cafe there and had a wonderful lunch at Sola of fritata and an amazing salad (so many gluten and dairy free options).

After having a nap as soon as I arrived I set about taking the first of many walks and I have to say the drive was worth it for the peace and quiet and wonderful walks that I had. I didn’t even mind the solitude at all really. I thought I’d be calling people as soon as the cheap calling time started after 7pm, but I really didn’t mind. It helped that the satellite TV was connected probably… and that I had an enormous stack of chick lit!

So I cooked, napped, walked on the beach, took photos, rode my bike (and got saddle-sore, ouch!) and generally relaxed in the sun. Totally worth it and I hope I get a chance to go back before the month is up.

Update from my first week off…

Stack of chick-lit to escape with, check.

Lists of healthy recipes to try, check.

Spring sunshine that so kindly decided to appear on Monday, check.

The washing done (even my hand-washing which is normally stockpiled until I have nothing to wear), catching up on paperwork (tax refund and insurance claims finally almost sorted) and pictures finally hung on my wall.

Yep, I am enjoying my days off so far, though I am totally exhausted at the moment. I really did need this break more than I realised I think (and I really wanted a break badly!) and it’s probably going to take at least a week for me to get my head above water energy wise I suspect. I’m almost over the headcold thing I had last week, but it has knocked me around a bit and unfortunately I seemed to pass it on to my flatmate as well so we’ve both been moping around the house, miserable for the last few days.

I’m really so grateful for the professional help that has finally kicked in (and all for free) as I have had a few dramas with my family in the last few days. My father (who has a serious brain injury) decided to have a go at me on Saturday and tell me again everything that’s wrong with me – yep, kicking someone when they’re down is his style these days. And as a result of what he said I’ve decided I need to keep my distance from them all (which won’t be hard actually, it’s not like any of them have helped me at all since the accident) but I did say something in email to my mother and my sister just because I’m actually sick of dad repeating what people say about my behind my back every time he has a go at me (he’s done this a few times since his accident) and I don’t know really if I can talk to him about it. I just said I needed to get better and look after myself and that there has been no support from them (all true) and my sister saw this as an opportunity to launch into a complete attack on everything that is wrong with me yesterday. In hindsight, I think she knows that she is in the wrong as it did come across as quite defensive and she didn’t even believe dad would say what he said (lucky her, he obviously hasn’t let loose at her like he has at my mum and me) but telling me she doesn’t have any sympathy for me as I’m feeling sorry for myself enough is pretty strange in my book.

I know I probably come on my blog and vent sometimes at my frustrations over this accident, but most of the time I’m trying my hardest to be positive and do everything I can to get myself better. Which my lovely boy acknowledged the other day and complimented me on actually which was nice as it is really important to me that he knows I’m trying my hardest to get better (hey, brain injuries give you an excuse to take afternoon naps so it’s not all bad) as this is really impacting on both of us and the progression of our relationship.

The hardest thing for me lately has been that some people just don’t believe that there is anything wrong with me and I’m having to learn how to blank that out and not let it worry me – I’m unfortunately not quite there yet but I’m working on it! Luckily yesterday I was literally on my way to the Psychologist’s office when my sister let loose her barrage so I had a great chance to get some tools for dealing with it all. And to remind myself that I’m not a horrible person.

All of this is really just making me more determined to establish my own family and make my own norms about acceptable behaviour before too long – my family’s version of “normal” just doesn’t cut it with me. Whatever family means – at the moment I really am feeling the blessing of the fantastic people that God has brought into my life who are my family (or whanau I guess to borrow a Maori word). I do have some good friends, it’s just a shame they don’t all live nearby as travel is a bit much for me at the moment.

I’m also starting to really think that doors are closing for me in NZ in many ways and do I just go out to Florida for at least a holiday a bit sooner? J and I have both agreed that I shouldn’t come if I’m going to be a burden on him (my words) or if I’m going to not cope and have a breakdown or something (his words) but I think by the end of this month of rest I should be in much better shape for international travel. It’s going to seem silly to take on another permanent job if I wanted to leave and go out there anyway in a few months and I am really just wanting to get this relationship off the ground properly I think as well – I know I just need to be strong enough first to deal with that.

Lots to pray and think about at the beach over the next few days, in between bike rides, walks and loooongggg naps! Keep your fingers crossed that the sun stays out!