Feeling better….

Other than getting a migraine yesterday, which I relented and took some Imagrin for, I am feeling a lot better than I was two days ago.  I know there are a lot of people praying for me and yesterday as the day went on I felt like some doors were opening to me, ever so slightly and that I might actually have a future. The funny thing is, since most of this year I’ve been waiting on the insurance company (is it ok if I call them the Beast from now on?) to clear me for work and really my life was in their hands, so now I feel like I’m clawing back some of my independence (and dependence on God of course).

It’s a lovely feeling actually.

Yes, I’m going to be a ‘beneficiary’ and the brief moments I think about the stigma I get a little upset, but in reality I am ever so grateful to live in a country with a fairly decent social welfare system, that I’ve more than contributed my fair share to. Single people of my age are often heard to complain that we don’t get our fair share out of the system (no paid maternity leave, family tax credits, we paid dearly for our education in the 90s, the list goes on) but let me assure you when something like this happens that is beyond your control (not good for us control freaks)  it is great to have something to fall back on. I don’t have family support really and it would not be good for me psychologically to have to move in with my parents, given what happened last year. The offer has not been made I would like to state as well. So I’m very glad for my tax money contributing to be able to help me out now.

I’ve also had some wonderful support from the friends I can trust, who know about this. Thanks for the prayers! But also my Psychologist has been wonderful and is ready to write a letter for when I go to mediation to support that it’s not fair that they messed me around for so long and now I’m forced to work full time to survive financially,or go on a benefit, which is the only option since I can’t actually work full time. It’s a very nice feeling to have people who care about me in my life I can assure you. This time last year, I was at an emotional low and felt so incredibly alone in everything. I’m grateful beyond belief for all the amazing people who’ve come into my life in the last year.

I’m starting my Daniel Fast tomorrow and I’m hoping I’ll feel better in the morning than I do now, the residual effects of the migraine mean I’m still a bit nauseous and giddy and not feeling like proper food. Does anyone else crave junk when they get a migraine? It’s definitely come at great timing as I really do need to draw closer to God and I will also save some money in the process. I’ve cleared out my pantry of all the food I can’t eat while on it and exposed and in the light of day are tons of lentils, beans, whole foods etc that I’ve bought and forgotten about. So my pantry and fridge will have been spring cleaned by the end of the fast too, wasting food is such a bad thing to do. Hopefully my garden will be very fruitful soon too, we’ve had so much rain in the last few days that it’s either going to drown the poor plants or cause them to thrive.

Oh and the Tsunami ended up to be a non-event, but I’m still worrying a little about the warning system in place here. I heard about it via Facebook and Twitter, but I’m not sure I would have known otherwise.  I live approximately 10 mins from the nearest bit of ocean so I’m not incredibly close, but I do take walks on the beach and stuff from time to time, I’d like to think I wouldn’t rock up to the shore when a Tsunami is about to hit! Everyone was annoyed about the panic over nothing, but I can’t help but think that the poor people who suffered the Asian Tsunami five years ago would have appreciated any sort of warning, even if it turned out to be false.

Right, well my head is still fuzzy so I’m going to catch some rest.

Shaking the money tree

Well, since money trees don’t exist, I’m currently trying to figure out how to make a bit of extra cash to cover myself in the next little while.

I called to cancel my phone contract yesterday, but they transferred me through to two different departments and in the end I got a retention type guy (I used to recruit for the company so I know their drill) and he offered me $10 a month, no strings attached to stay on the plan I’m on currently. I’m going to take this for now and see how I go. As I’m home all the time I really don’t need a mobile phone for anything other than the occasional call or texting so it seems like a waste of money to spend too much. I wanted to switch to 2degrees, a new company that offers great deals on prepay, but I would have to buy a new phone and I probably don’t have the budget for that just yet.

I cancelled my newspaper subscription, I can read it online.

I have emailed my gym to look at options, either putting  it on hold as I might just win an appeal with my insurance company and that shouldn’t take more than three months, or cancelling altogether. Yes, I’m regretting that I just got into a good routine and now I have to cancel.

Insurance is going to be the next beast to deal with, do I go down to 3rd party only on my car and pray like mad? Or do I keep paying insurance? I have too much of a headache for this today, so will call around for quotes tomorrow.

I am looking at cashing in one or two (I have four!) of my small pension savings. This should help me clear my most of my outstanding bills. I don’t want to have to do it, but if I win my appeal at least I will get back paid so I might be able to save the money again.

One good thing (sort of) about going on the Sickness Benefit is that they let you work a certain number of hours a week (though you have to balance it as you get docked if you earn too much and then it becomes not worth it). I’m currently looking into work from home options, like transcription, which I think could help me build my confidence up and earn a bit of extra cash. I’m also going to talk with my Case Manager when I have the meeting about the benefit about the possibility of working for them, I used to work quite closely with that department in my old job and I definitely have the skills. I just need a little help.

My Daniel Fast is also good timing as I will be saving money on food, trying to use up all the beans and lentils etc in my pantry and only buying veges for three weeks will be helpful. Oh and I really need God right now too!

Let me assure you, I never, ever thought I would be in this situation. I have to trust God that He knows best and there is a purpose for it, but it is really difficult to feel so powerless and not be able to work full time. I have repented of complaining about all the taxes I’ve paid in the past, as this is exactly what you pay them for, to have a safety net when you need it. Even if the safety net has a few holes in it, at least it catches you.

Any other money making ideas, let me know. And no, I won’t consider prostitution as tempting as the money is

It happened

I got news today that my insurance company are giving me two weeks notice for support.

I knew it would happen but I didn’t think it would be so quick. Their reasons are rubbish and I think I have a very good chance if I appeal, even my Case Manager hinted at that. She knows I’m not 100% so it’s crap they’re cutting me off.

But in the meantime I have to sign up for the sickness benefit, cancel everything non-essential like my gym membership, and pray like mad. I’m also praying now about doing some work, maybe from home to start with or that someone will let me do a few hours for them. I really can’t work for just anyone or do just anything, I know I get issues with fatigue and my patience for annoying people is pretty much zero.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do, but I’m learning a whole new level of trust in God.

Our Primeminister on Letterman

John Keys is a one man show in New York this week, we seem to be inundated with stories about him meeting Obama, having no water in his hotel and needing to borrow the Australian Primeminister’s shower, ringing the bell to close trading on Wall Street and also making a much anticipated appearance on Letterman. Those who follow me on Twitter will know I was cringeing just a little about this, but I think considering he is a Politician, has a pretty hideous accent and was working with material the Letterman scriptwriters wrote, he did ok.

Seriously though, can you guys not from NZ understand a word he is saying? I personally can’t listen to the man, his accent is too strong for me and I’m from here. I can’t believe he doesn’t get some sort of voice training as travelling when you’re incomprehensible is not fun, when my accent was stronger I got sent on wrong trains and had people stare blankly at me all the time.

Oh and there is no Cinnabon at Auckland airport, most people would have no idea what that is. There are some good cafes that make good coffee though.

Translation of number five: Whanau = Maori word meaning friends/family in a collective sort of sense, like your support network, there is funnily enough no English equivalent, bach= beach house, jandals= flip flops, chilly bin = cooler bin that you take on a picnic.

Random stuff for the week

• There was a promotional night for women at my local mall last night, it was really fun with lots of freebies. I missed out on the proper goody bag for some reason (must have walked through the wrong entrance) but I got two pairs of free socks from the shop that assessed my feet for running shoes. I lose socks all the time so this is very exciting for me. I also met a lovely guy who runs a cycle shop near here and found out they have a women’s cycle group on Tuesday mornings that bike around the cycle ways here in Auckland. It sounds really fun and I’m going to join them
• Which brings me to the other exciting discovery of the day, there are quite a lot of cycle ways in Auckland that mean you can bike fairly far without once going on a road with cars! How cool is that? I had a look online last night when I got home and found some of the maps and have ordered hard copies of them. I normally have to bike down in the country, which is about 25 minutes drive away to avoid traffic, which is good exercise. But it will be great to have some routes to do closer to home.
• The dust storm from Sydney is meant to hit NZ today – I’m really curious to see how much will make it over the Tasman. I don’t think we’ll have scenes like this though:
• It is raining today at least so I think it will dampen down the dust that does make it over. Doesn’t it really scare you about climate change though? New South Wales lost a considerable amount of top soil, those poor farmers there, I can’t imagine how tough their life is.
• Pamela Anderson is coming to NZ for Fashion Week this week. I’m not sure what this is saying exactly, but I’m not sure that she is really that much of a fashionista. I can’t only picture her wearing cut of demins and shirts that don’t leave much to the imagination.
• Tonight I’m having dinner with an old friend from school, I think he was the second guy I ever kissed… but don’t worry his dad will be there too! Should be nice actually, they lived on the other side of the farm I grew up next to and we were in the same church for years. Now my parents don’t live in my hometown I never see these people that I grew up with.
• The new flatmate is proving to be a great choice, she is very nice and we tend to sit around and talk at night around dinner time, whereas before everyone would be in their bedrooms.
• I broke my mobile last week when I was out hiking up the (small) mountain, either by dropping it out of my bag or from the sweat in my sports bra where I then stuck the phone for safe keeping (do all women do this?). I had insurance on it, that I was paying $7 a month on, but the phone company are making it really difficult for me to make a claim, they just want me to upgrade and be on contract for two years. I do NOT want to be on contract for two years, even if they give me $149 credit. I think I will just pay cash for a new phone and go on pre pay with a new company here and save money. It’s not like I go out that much anymore anyway, I actually don’t use my mobile much either!

Fasting and direction

Another Monday, another blog post. Sometimes I can hardly believe how fast the last year has flown by, time really zooms when you’re not part of the weekly drudgery of working full-time that is for sure.

Lately I’ve been have moments – and they are just moments – of questioning, musing and being ever so slightly down about where my life is at the moment. I found last week at the conference to be particularly difficult as it highlighted to me how much my life has changed since my accident. Before I could have attended as a delegate, had dinner with friends and still manged to squeeze in some shopping and have had energy to spare. Now, I can’t even sit in a back room in the morning and copy of CDs and DVDs without getting completely and utterly exhausted. It is hard to express how frustrating this is to anyone in my life, but it really is. I seem to be able to manage every day life ok, if I have a good routine and factor in rests, but anything challenging is really difficult for me.

When I was at the beach last week I spent time walking in the solitude on the sand and asking God why and for how long. I sort of feel selfish for even asking this as I know there are so many who have afflictions that they will have for the rest of their lives and they manage to live with joy and gratitude. But it is hard to understand how the future I thought God had for me will happen when my brain just doesn’t work that well.

I am grateful for this hiatus, I think it’s given me a change in perspective that I needed and I know my experiences in the last 16 months will help others. But I also just don’t have the courage to dream and plan very often anymore, maybe because I’m waiting on God. But I wonder too if I just need to get on with my life and accept that this is it from now on. It is such a strange feeling to not know what I want to accomplish next year, what it is going to look like, what I’ll be doing. Exciting I guess, if I put my faith completely in God, but there is also a part of me that wonders if I’m vegetating just a little too much and not setting myself goals. Maybe I’m just letting goal-setting, driven people who do things like Iron Man for fun get to me (who have their own issues, I know full well) or maybe I do need a kick up the pants.

Last night lying in bed, a thought occurred to me that for me to do certain things takes so much more effort that for some others, so I shouldn’t feel like I’m not achieving anything. But I think I also want to make sure that I’m on the path that God wants me on and this really is such a personal thing for me, which is great, because most people just can’t give me advice in my situation.

Which brings me on to fasting.

Our church is being challenged to fast in the month of October and I had been praying about how to do it as I know that not eating at all would not be good for my brain. But yesterday my Pastor talked about the Daniel fast concept, which I think is a great idea. So in October I will be only eating fruit and vegetables and no sugar, meat, dairy, etc. I think it’s perfect as I am already trying to eat healthier and Spring is a great time of year to do this sort of thing and the point of a Daniel fast is for revelation about the future. Which is definitely what I need to. I’m also going to fast from some forms of media for some of the time, Facebook and Twitter stand out in my mind here and spend more time with God.

Hopefully after October things will be a lot clearer in my life and I’ll be feeling a lot healthier too.

Boot camp for wimps

I’m back from the beach and I had a fantastic time, it’s so worth it once I get there but I sometimes forget that. The weather was a bit average for the first two days but it was absolutely stunning the last two days so I had fun. I did a ton of exercise and even climbed up this big hill (mountain?)

I didn’t take my camera with me up the hill, but you can see it’s pretty high and the track is practically all vertical so it’s hard work going up and coming down, especially with my gimpy knees and ankles.

I also did a ton of bike riding and walks on the beach and even a tiny bit of running – I feel GREAT! And I didn’t take any unhealthy food with me, so I ate tons of veges and no sugar.

I also spent a huge amount of time doing a tapestry that I bought four years ago and never quite got around to finishing, but I’m almost there. I love sitting in front of trashy television doing something productive, as opposed to my usual internet surfing and watching tv.

Five days in solitude at the beach was totally what I needed and I feel refreshed and energised. Yay!

Off to the beach

Well, once I get out of my PJs anyway… will be offline for a few days watching E, walking on the beach and going for bike rides. Hope it’s good for me!

Look what I made

At conference today I got to make this really cool card

Now I really do want to get into card making as it was so easy and fun to make this! And I have something homemade to give my mum for her birthday too .

At Sistas this week

My church is hosting it’s annual women’s conference so I’m out there four mornings this week (if I survive that far, I’m tired). It’s been lovely to get there, the creativity expressed in decorating and hosting the conference is amazing, let alone the speakers. I’m looking foward to getting the DVDs later so I can listen again.

My brain isn’t functioning well enough to say anything else right now, will hopefully have some thoughts by the end of the week!