For some reason today unemployment and living in another country have weighed me down today and I haven’t quite gotten out of my PJs yet.
What has helped considerably is this wonderful website I just discovered and the story of the The Party reminded me of my surgery last month. Yep, I had surgery in June, after an ambulance admission at the start of the month. Something was up with my kidneys, unfortunately despite gamma camera tests, surgery where they stuck a scope up into my bladder and further and numerous x-rays I still actually don’t know what was going on.
Anyway… I was just reminded of how much fun it must be to be a recovery room nurse and watch everyone high off their faces. Well, fun or incredibly boring day after day.
What I remember from the drug-induced haze was waking up by sitting bolt upright in bed and scaring the crap out of the nurse watching me. He he, that was sort of funny. I was having really good dreams though so I was just pissed that I’d woken up from them and I was in pain to boot.
I then proceeded to have perfectly logical, normal rational conversations with the nurses taking care of me about rude words in Tagalog. I may or may not have told them various words for vagina that are the same as other words that are perfectly normal in Maori.
I also tried to explain that I was normally that crazy and I wasn’t having that conversation just ‘cos I was high.
I think they believed me.
We also discussed visiting the Philippines and I waxed lyrical on Borocay like I’ve actually been there.
They seemed to pile me into a wheel chair and get me out of there with lightening speed. I wonder why.
Also Allie from Hyperbole is a genius who came up with a new pain scaled (you know how they ask you the moronic questions about where your pain is at from 1-10?
0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don’t know why I’m even here.
1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.
2: I probably just need a Band Aid.
3: This is distressing. I don’t want this to be happening to me at all.
4: My pain is not fucking around.
5: Why is this happening to me??
6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now.
7: I see Jesus coming for me and I’m scared.
8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.
9: I am almost definitely dying.
10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.
Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.
Let me just say if you ever experience Renal Colic (ie, kidney stones or similar) you will probably feel like a 10, but maybe say 9 if you’re optimistic like I am. I’m pretty sure I would have rather been mauled by a bear than wait as long as I did to get effective pain killers in me.
Mind you, most people with renal colic don’t walk back from the run they’re on when the pain starts, jump in a bath thinking that’ll fix it, then drive 3 hours back to London (my friend yelled at me and threatened to leave me behind when it looked like I was going to puke in his car from pain… I just talked myself into being fine after that), then catch a bus to a drop in centre (not an actual hospital) and then have to wait my turn by a nurse to be seen and then get loaded into an ambulance to drive 20 minutes to the nearest hospital and then not get given effective pain relief as flippin codeine makes me sick and I’m still waiting for someone to figure out what the heck is wrong with me on what is probably the busiest night of the year in the hospital.
Trust me you sort of want to punch annoying people who just got drunk and fell over or scream BEFORE the needle even goes near them when you’re in that much pain!
